Why is it so hard to be still?
On being addicted to productivity in your creative practice
Hi I’m Keila. Perpetual weird art kid. I write zines and articles to help you build a sustainable creative practice.
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After a lot of soul searching, I decided to do a career pivot at 36. You know, have a good old midlife crisis. The kind where you get rid of all your stuff, travel the country in an RV, then rebuild your life from scratch. After a year on the road, it’s been about a month of laying down roots in one place.
I’ve noticed how hard it is to be still. Weirdly, not so much physically but mentally.
When I finally find some slowness in my life, panic kicks in. Mostly questions around time optimization and “being more productive”. Then the shame spiral around what I “should” be doing starts. Then I’m quietly freaking out on the couch, eyes wide and breathing heavy. My poor family is like, “wtf, I’m living with a crazy lady”.
I’ve picked up this belief that being busy = being safe. That if I’m constantly planning, striving, and moving, I can somehow stay ahead of some unnamed harm. The silly thing is, its 100% vauge.
It’s like trying to fist-fight a smoke creature that is forever slipping through your fingers.
As an artist, it can be hard to take a step back and be still in your creative practice.
“Stillness? I need to keep up with the endless feed of art on my phone, launch a 6-figure creative business, girl boss it up!”
In the meantime, your creative practice feels like sh*t. The arbitrary goals keep stacking, never quite satisfying that fear. The smoke creature grows. That need for productive busyness can become very addictive.
The thing about being creative is that a lot of the process is not physically producing. I think about this line from an Amyl and the Sniffers song where she says “I’m in my head, doing the work”. To me, that means feeling worth it to take care of yourself. Maybe not producing all the time, so you have something to give.
So much of creative output requires some input. This means slowing down and filling your metaphorical cup. It’s different for everybody; it can look like long walks by the creek, a phone call with your sister, or sitting in complete silence when things feel too loud. Not something more to put on your to-do list, but a peace offering to yourself. When things slow down, it’s easier to notice. Noticing gets you inspired.
Maybe it isn’t about using your output to measure your value.
The next time you feel the urge to run screaming from stillness, see if you can remain in that place just a bit longer. It’s okay to have some time that doesn’t become anything.
Signing off,
K
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“Then I’m quietly freaking out on the couch, eyes wide and breathing heavy.”
You perfectly described the situation that led me to start sketching daily. Before last year I would constantly find myself re-organizing the record collection, trying to find something to sell online, start a new band or recording project of some kind. It felt guilty to not be applying this time to something creative or connected to an extension of the creative arts I dwell in.
All of these things, even though I enjoy them, would take time away from my family. Once I started sketching, it began to alleviate some of that strange anxiety that would build. It became the way to fulfill the creative energy that felt so oppressive and would have me bursting at the seems.
Now, my sketch time is generally on the couch with the family and I can chat, spend time, quietly enjoy a movie or whatever may be taking place without feeling like I need to run out of the room to capitalize on a creative thought.
Thank you for sharing. This really hit home. 🤝
The fighting with the smoke slipping through your fingers describes how I feel when I start berating myself about what I should be doing or how much more I can be doing. At 69 I am tired if doing, and yet even art making or more truthfully, I put the most pressure if myself about making art. As though I need to justify being an artist by being productive. I know it isnt us, we are fighting the machine, but sadly it takes up so much creative time!